Lori Ann Pryor April 27, 1976 - Febuary 22, 2005

My sister died tonight at 8:30.  She died alone in a hospice in La Mesa, California of AIDS related pneumonia.  I was not there, even though she was just an hour or so away.  I haven't seen or heard from her in 10 years.  I am not sad for her, or for me.  I am happy for her, as her 28 years of pain are over.  There will be no memorial service, no funeral to fly home to.  I have decided to hold one here on my blog. 

She came into my life as my adopted sister at 18 months old.  She had platinum blond hair and blue eyes, the two of us looked nothing alike but it didn't matter.  She had just been through 18 months of hell with a drug addicted mother and father.  She was born addicted to heroin and alcohol.  She was abused and mal-nourished.  She had to survive in ways that are unimaginable to me.  I was lucky, I was born and given up for adoption and placed with a home within months.  She was born, forgotten, abused, and passed on.  By the time she found a safe harbor in the arms of Ted and Darlene Pryor, the damage was done.  The first year of life is the most important, and every thing that could go wrong to this little being did.   

My parents being kind hearted but naive people believed that love and God can fix anything.  I believe that it can provide compasion but it can't fix what is so deeply broken.  She came into our lives and settled in.  She was my sister, and we did things that brothers and sisters do.  I have some blurry memories from that time.  It was fun and felt normal.  When she turned 13 the chemical stew of puberty unleashed the past and it all came crashing down on her.  She attempted suicide at 13 in a math class and ended up in a mental health facility.  We all learned first hand as a family about diseases that were never recognized as diseases when my parents were growing up.  Things like bi-polar disorder, manic-depression, pre-natal alcohol syndrome, post traumatic stress disorder. 

She was in great pain and disarray from that time on.  She was violent, she was a pathalogical liar, she was unpredictable, unstable, and generally impossible to deal with using your natural or rational mind.  Lori was so cross-wired that she tested your every nerve, every last drop of compassion, every last ability to stay calm.  As an infant her parents ignored her, the only attention she got was violence when she would make them mad.  Deep in her mind she wanted violence when she wanted really wanted love and she would do all she could to provoke it.  I have a lot of memories that I have repressed deeply from this time.  I grew up quickly and my parents grew old before my eyes. 

The last time I saw her she was at my parents house with Daniel, her husband at the time who she had a child with named Julian.  Melissa and I were getting ready to leave for San Francisco to move out west.  I never saw or spoke to her again.  She left me alone, and I left her alone.  I don't know why, but she granted me the freedom from her illness.  Daniel died of AIDS a few years later, Julian lives with a foster family somewhere in southern Virginia.  He is also not well, but was spared HIV somehow during and after birth.  After Daniel died, Lori had a second child with an African American man who I never met.  He was in prison for cocaine distribution when the baby was born.  Molly was her name, she was spared the same fate and also missed HIV.  Shortly after she was born Lori had another melt down and my parents took custody of Molly.  Today Molly lives in Manassass, VA with her adoptive parents.  She seems much better off than Julian and exhibits no signs of mental illness at this time. 

Lori was more than an illness or an addiction or a disease.  All of those things colored her life, but she was more than that.  She was a strong strong spirit.  She had the strength of a wild horse.  Incidentally the only creature that she ever related to well was a horse.  She had a very creative bend and drew and painted.  She could tell stories and paint pictures.  She was very gifted at many levels but her diseases overshadowed her ability to tap those gifts.  She had a compassionate side and was very girly at times.  I don't remember much more about her. 

I have a lot to forgive her for.  Things which are painful and hard to share, some really shitty memories.  I have a lot to thank her for years later too.  She gave me my cynical perspective on life, she gave me my strong, deep patience for others, and my need to never give up on any one.  I forgive you Lori, be well. 

I am weeks away from having my first child, something I lived in fear of until recently.  I was afraid that something might not be perfect, that I might have to live through this whole experience again, that I wouldn't ever be able to handle it.  I got over that this year and I am so excited to be a Dad and am ready to take all I learned from Lori and others in my life and be a better, more compassionate, more enlightened father and human being.  I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason in each life.  I know Lori left us when she did and how she did for a reason too. 

Dear Lori,

I am sorry you died alone.  I am sorry you didn't have one of us there to be with you.  Please forgive me for my pain and my inability to reach out to you in this moment.  I didn't know you were here until tonight.  I hope you can forgive me, I have forgiven you.  Let's move on.  Deal?  I am sorry you didn't get to meet your nephew yet, he is still in the oven for a few more weeks.  I will tell him about you, all the good stuff about you.  I promise to check in on Molly and Julian for you too. 

See you on the other side.

Love,
lenn

Comments

[Wrobpreorge]

Make peace, not war!

[dofeimmilakam]

A man is trying a very unusual way to propose to his girlfriend. He wants people to forward an email to as many people as possible and he hopes that it will eventually get to his girlfriend. Details here: http://www.proposal-to-mary.com

Here is what he wants people to send by email:

You could help me a lot to spread my proposal to Mary – it is important that it is distributed as widely as possible so that it eventually reaches Mary. If you would like to support my proposal to Mary, please send the following text by email to a lot of people :-)

------------- SNIP (email text end) ---------------

WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS, PLEASE HELP TO DISTRIBUTE IT TO OTHER PEOPLE!

For a long time I have tried to find a special way to propose marriage to my girlfriend Mary, whom I know for five years now. I wanted it very special, romantic and memorable, something our grandchildren would still remember.

And here is my idea: I will send out the proposal to Mary to 50 complete strangers, people I don't know - hoping, that they will forward my proposal to as many people as possible, which in turn forward it etc. And some day, I hope, it will reach Mary, after it has travelled a very long way. I know, it will take a long time and I am quite nervous…

From the poem MY Mary will know immediately that the proposal is for her.

I have created a homepage ( http://www.proposal-to-mary.com ) where you can find the current status of my quest. You can use the homepage to check if the proposal has already reached Mary (in that case it is not necessary anymore to forward the mail).

Once the proposal has reached Mary, I will put a note on these pages. Also I will publish there how many people have read the proposal so that everybody can see how far it has spread and that it is getting closer to Mary.

And of course you will find there what I am waiting for most: Mary's answer! I can't tell you, how nervous I am… Will she accept my proposal? Will she like the unusual way how she got it, through the hands of thousands of messengers all over the world?

Please cross your fingers for me! And please - help me by sending the mail to as many people as possible, to help it spread, so that it eventually reaches Mary.

And here is my proposal:

Mary, please forgive me, as you know English is not my native language. And I am not a poet. But I mean it from my heart.

My angel,

Five years ago, I will always remember the day When fate made us meet, blissful Alaskan moments in May Earth spun around us and a journey began Love, warmth, happiness, enough the years to span.

The longer it lasts the more grows our bond And with 80 still - of you I will be fond Whatever happens, I will stay at your side Through good and bad, together let us stride

No second with you was ever wasted
You are the sweetest I have ever tasted
We have spent so many years - why not a life?
Mary, will you marry me - and become my wife?

Mary, if you have received that and have recognized me, then give me a sign so that I can continue with the romantic part of my proposal…

------------- SNIP (email text end) ---------------

[Nica Nica]

That was such a moving an sad story. I would feel so sorry and sad for Lori. I am sorry, but i accuse you of not being such a kind brother. This is how bonds are broken with family memebers. That was such a sad story and a blessing that those two children did not contract that horrible disease AIDS. I hope that they are both doing fine. I hope that Lori lives a good after life with no break downs or suicide attempts where she is truly happy.

[Michael Lehman]

I have no words to match all the previously eloquent comments but my heart compells me to reach out. Peace and prayers for your sister. My condolences and wishes for future happiness to you, your wife and your child.

[David]

Peace to you and your parents. I remember Lori from back in the day and know how hard you and your parents tried. In the end, God and love couldn't fix her, you're right, but from the efforts, many blessings will come to you and yours in the future. I'm sure of it.

I look forward to seeing you and the expanding family in the very near future. I look forward to buying you a beer sometime soon...

[mike w]

Lenn, Like others I only know you via Scoble. That is one of the most moving posts I have ever read. Your words really got to me. You are certainly a better person, cynic or otherwise, for having had her in your family. The lessons learned, while harsh, will benefit your son in ways you can't yet imagine.

[Jozef Imrich]

The more we pour our true emotions out, the better the world will be ...

In many ways Lori is also our sister because your words and feelings have touched us in so many way, Lenn.

Much the way light displays every color when passed through a prism, death express the spectrum of our desire for meaning and solidarity.

May you and your family be comforted by the many thoughts and prayers present in this commentariat and elsewhere

[Betsy Devine]

Back at a Bloggercon 2, when I was working for Feedster, I asked you about "working remote"--you generously gave me a helpful, detailed answer. Now I am searching for words of thanks and comfort, and I see Julie Leung, who was sitting right next to me at the same lunchtime table, just thanked you for blessing us with your story.

In my own, non-religious way, I'll say "Amen."

[Lenn]

Lenn...I found your site for admitted vain reasons...looking for other Lenns out there for the heck of it.

What an amazing post. And I expect a cathartic one.

Good luck.

[shel]

I am moved by your words and sadden by your loss. May the new life that will soon enter your home be nurtured by the wisdom, compassion and love you have shown in your beautifully written eulogy.

[Lenn]

I am so moved by your words and sorry for your loss. May the new life in your near future be healthyand strong and be nurtured by the wisdom, compassion and love you have demosntrated in your writing.

[Luc Geurts]

My deepest sympathy Lenn. Wish you a strong heart. Luc.

[Steve Rubel]

Lenn, sorry for your loss.

[lenn]

Thank you all, friends and strangers alike for the kind and warm words. The Web is indeed the killer app for human beings, it is amazing how it connects us all and brings shared emotions and experiences together. Reading the comments lets me know that none of us are ever truly alone in our experiences or times of difficulty.

Thank you all.

[Jim]

Lori was so beautifull in her own way. That's what I gathered from everything you wrote. She had her demons as we all do. Nevertheless, in some strange, even grotesque way, it seemed you and her were gifts tio each other. The tenderness with which you described your sister is so touching. Thank God, she is at peace now.

Thank you for sharing her beautiful but painful story. And may God bless your new family.

[Lauri]

Lenn,

Just... wow. Death is never easy, and how we get there can sometimes be so painful and provocative, eh?

I'm so very sorry Lori was alone at the end, it shouldn't be that way for any of us. But as you said, its a day to be relieved and happy that she is no longer struggling anymore.

You're probably only just beginning to know what you learned from her short life..

Pre-congrats on that new sweet baby boy though.. :)

[Andru Edwards]

My mother died in a very similar fashion, but it was a hospice in New York City, and she did have family surrounding her. I was just 16 when it happened (24 now), and I still don't really have closure on the issue. AIDS is a horrible disease that just sucks the life right out of you. I just wish she could have met my son - her grandson - and seen the miracle he was (born 3 months early at 1 lb 13 oz) and where he is now.

Lenn, I pray that you and yours will have peace about this issue. Don't beat yourself up over what can't be changed - and like you said, she is no longer suffering.

[Adrian]

Ughhh... I just read this entry and feel like I just got slammed in the gut... The last time I felt like that, my grandmother died (http://blog.quicksurf.com/index.php?p=462).

That was extremely moving. And deep.

[Elisa]

This may be the first blog post I've ever read that made me shed copious tears. I am sorry for your loss, both of your sister, but also for the loss of a more trouble-free upbringing. It sounds like you are working through it just in time to welcome your first child. As someone who still rejects the idea of having children (due partially to my own upbringing) I admire your strength. And hope that Lori can finally lay down her burdens and not have to be strong anymore.

[brijwhiz]

I came through Scoble's link promising myself not to be moved. However I could not keep my promise. What you have written has given me a lot of strength. I am going through a phase where a lot of older uncles are bearing the fruits of years of nicotine and struggling with cancer. I was a little miffed at them for doing this, for not being careful. However your blog has shown me that sometimes time left is not enough to make peace. I think it is time for me to fogive and help them. Thank you again for awakening me.

[myko]

Lenn, I'm not sure what to say about your loss, I've never been good at coming up with words for such tragedy.

In regards to your fear of what's to come for your coming baby. I'm glad it's gone, for as you said the first several years are the most important for any child. You're the most grounded right now than you have been since we left VA ten years ago. Continue to fear not, Dad.

[Dan]

Incredibly poignant stuff, deep and moving.

My name is Daniel. My wife's name is Lori. She is 27. We had a son (not named Julian), and then a daughter we named Molly. We live outside of Manassas, VA.

I am very blessed. Life could have dealt me a very different hand.

[K]

Brave - well done.
I wish you and lori Peace.

[Nancy White]

Lenn, may all the forces of joy and life converge upon you in the coming months and weeks as you move past one phase of the journey with your sister and into the next with your new child. Thank you for sharing a bit of your soul.

[David Sifry]

Lenn,

I'm very sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

Dave